Behaviour Management Advice from a Montessori Mama.

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Sometimes terms like "positive discipline" and "peaceful parenting" can be interpreted in way that confuses many parents, leaving them believe that creating proper boundaries, rules and discipline is damaging for their child's development. I am a very strong believer that every child needs boundaries and discipline in their life.  In fact, according to the studies "Children whose parents are warm and responsive yet also set limits and have reasonable expectations for their children tend to have better outcomes than their peers whose parents show less warmth and responsiveness, have low expectations, or both". 


 Maria Montessori believed that misbehaviour originates in the child's environment, his circumstances and surroundings: …defects in character, disappear of themselves…One does not need to threaten or cajole, but only to 'normalizing the conditions' under which the child lives." (Maria Montessori, Discovery of the Child)
In the Montessori environment behaviour management is done in the form of redirecting and gluing. You can read more about it in this article: Gluing and Redirecting Behavior in the Montessori Classroom
"With careful observations, "earnest words", spontaneous work, commitment to the Montessori philosophy and principles, the Montessori teacher is able to successfully redirect and refocus student behavior...
Gluing is when the teacher keeps a child close to her before inviting the child to find an appropriate work.
It gives the child time to refocus and observe others working in the Montessori classroom. It is a way to re-center and calm themselves so that they may work effectively in the classroom."

I personally believe that the ability to manage behaviour comes as a result of one's beliefs and values. Children need to be taught ways to interact with others not only because it is a social norm, but because we want them to be successfully accepted in groups. First, children need to form a solid foundation for their character in order to be able to build strong connections with others. Along with providing children with tools to interact with the peers, it is very important to teach what is fair; what it looks and feels like to be kind; how it feels when someone is not being nice to you. etc. I correct children every time I witness behavior opposite to kindness, passionate, considerate. My facial expression, intonation and body language shows them how much it hurts me to see them being unfair or not kind. 
Here are my golden rules when it comes to behaviour management in the classroom and at home:

Scenario 1 When child does something negative to their peer.
  • Never let behavior repeat the pattern. It means that undesired behaviour has to be addressed every single time it occurs when it occurs.
  • Give children your undivided attention
  • Speak right there and then
  • Never correct the child in front of other people, always take them aside 
  • Make eye contact and use a firm voice
  • Say: "In Montessori (in our home) we do not hurt others"
  • Ask the question: "How do you think you made Josh feel? - "Would you like someone to make you feel sad and hurt?" "What do you think you should do".
  • Ask the child to apologize if they are ready and find out if Josh needs band aid, water or a cuddle.
  • Remind that "We do to others as you would have them do to you".

Scenario 2 When child refuses to listen

  • Ask them to sit next to you and calm down
  • Empower the child by offering them a choice: "Make your choice: you may join us for the story time after you clean your craft table or if you choose not to clean it - you may stay where you are, it is up to you."
General practice:
  • Share your feelings and emotions when you see unjust behaviour - let the child know how it makes you feel and why you feel that way.
  • Create the set of rules book together by asking leading questions. Add photos of the child following every rule during the day. One book for each occasion: "Going outside" "Home rules" "Shopping" "Visiting Friends" etc. Revisit the book every time the rule needs to be addressed. 
  • Do role play among parents (or teachers), include child in the role play.
  • Story telling followed by discussion is very powerful.
  • Demonstrate respect and be fair to the children every single time.
  • Acknowledge positive interactions and right choices when you see them.
  • Create loving environment. It is contagious and the child learns easily to be fair, kind, compassionate, understanding, caring, protective, selfless.
  • Never shame child for feeling their feelings and having certain emotions, but acknowledge them, empathize and help them to deal with their emotions in a constructive way: "I know that it makes you feel upset when I turn off the TV, but it is time to brush your teeth". 

 Lisa Nolan Montessori has a wide range of practical advice for parents, click here to read her behaviour management posts.

Trillium Montessori in her post "How to start a new class" provides with a in depth overview of various issues encountered in the classroom at the beginning of the new year.

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